Written by Garrett Brown – October 29th, 2023
GILBERT, TX. – A shocking investigation out of Texas today revealed that the Chicken Ranch, long known as the “Best Little Whorehouse in Texas” might no longer be worthy of the moniker, according to reviews left on Yelp by less than satisfied customers.
“The Chicken Ranch promises delight and pleasure, and I believe that it is impossible for them to deliver this with all of their impromptu singing and dancing,” notes W0rldtrav3ller360 in their 2.5 star review. “I appreciate a little music to set the mood, but it’s difficult to remain enthused during a 10 minute choreographed number.”
MCreviews420 had similar criticisms.
“I have been a loyal Chicken Ranch patron for 16 years, and it’s difficult to see a beloved institution falter. When I first started attending events, there was catering, and food was cooked to order. Now, the advertised ‘inclusive dining’ appears to be veggie platters picked up from Walmart. To be clear: sex work is work and the women care for their customers and community, but I miss the steak dinners!”
When asked about the online feedback, proprietor Mona Stangley is not letting the negativity keep her down. “These Yelp reviews hurt,” Mona twanged as she took a brief respite from a private meeting with the local mustachioed sheriff. “However, darlin’, they show something important: Gilbert, Texas wants to see the Chicken Ranch succeed. We have been a county institution for years, and while there have been some changes, we still provide you with the best service possible, and yes, that sometimes includes a dance or two or five. As well as maybe splitting up the services into two sections with an intermission break in between for bathroom usage.”
While there appear to be differing opinions on what direction Chicken Ranch needs to go, perhaps reviewer SheriffEdEarlDodd sums it up best with their 2.9 star review.
“Mona, I will always love you, but bring back $5.99 wing night!”