Written by Garrett Brown – October 1st, 2023
BUFFALO, NY – According to reports, producer Devin Mason started off the tour of his newly renovated mansion in the backyard, at a little rustic barn filled with tools, confusing family members as he exclaimed “Here We Are… at The Shed!” “Okay, okay, I’ll admit I’m having a bit of a laugh. The truth is, in my brand new yard, everything’s coming up… roses!” Mason noted, turning to his sister-in-law Alice to wink. “You’ll love these new varieties! I imported them just to spice up my weekly garden parties!”
Some family members weren’t delighted by the pun. “Devin is a great host, but I’ll admit I’m disappointed,” fumed his brother Robert as he began plotting how to destroy his brother’s award-winning flower beds. “He knows Alice worships at the altar of Stephen Sondheim, and that as public school teachers we can rarely afford theatre tickets.”
He continued, in between eye-rolls.
“Devin sent us over a monogrammed invite for a ‘surprise’, dropping hints like asking if we wanted to go ‘into the woods’ and that it was ‘our time, breathe it in.’ I assumed he was going to do us a kindness. I didn’t realize he was just going to show off the acre of forest next to his mansion.” Excusing herself to finish grading exams before her shift at Ruby Tuesday’s, Alice made sure to note that she loves her brother-in-law, even while remaining frustrated.
“I’m not saying that Devin isn’t generous with family,” grimaced Alice Mason as she began contemplating whether she was strong enough to throw a brick through the front window from where she stood. “It’s just a pattern. Last year, he asked what I wanted for my birthday, that the sky was the limit. I told him I wanted to see the Sweeney Todd revival. He ended up sending me a $15 gift card for SuperClips.”
According to Alice and Robert, Devin sent them a text the next morning thanking them for indulging him, and inquiring if either of them could “hear a waltz?”
Devin then followed that text with a video of an elderly man he had hired to live on the estate as a “human lawn gnome” and play accordion as Devin strolled the estate like a Victorian aristocrat.